The latest news and "The Plan"

Hello Everybody!

Well, we got some good news this week.  The boys will officially be free and clear on April 10th.  They've still got some time to serve, whether it's database related or related to some other legalese-y stuff is still up for debate.  Once they're clear, we sign the petition to adopt which has to be notarized (duh!), apostilled (but of course!) and Fedex'd to Russia.  Once they receive that, they can ask for our court date.  Our agency feels like we'll likely have court the second week or so of May, right after the holidays.  Lest ye forget, those Russians are a vacation-taking people.  They loves them some holidays!  We might do better as a country if WE had more holidays, you know?

Anyway, it's certainly not set in stone, but a good educated guess.  That would put us on the exact timeline we expected... bringing them home just before or during the Memorial Day holiday here.  It seems like forever, but it's something like 10-11 weeks away.  Not such a long time before your life changes forever.  BTW, can I tell you how many times I've heard THAT one?  Um, yes, I actually do realize that bringing home two children under the age of three that don't know us or really know each other will be a life altering experience!  LOL!!  People don't mean it that way, and that's not really how I'm taking it.  It's just funny to watch their looks of horror.  They sort of smile, then look a little pained and get kind of pale.  Like they are getting a wee bit nauseous just thinking of it!  Then comes the next line, "Better you than me!"

We're really getting excited.  We're getting back into the mode we were in when we were waiting to bring Jackson home.  We watched his video every night.  Sometimes I laughed at it, some nights I cried.  But it made me feel closer to him.  I would listen to every sappy, sentimental song out there and get all blubbered up.  The worst offender?  "Somewhere Out There - Fievel's Song" from An American Tale.  In case you're (cough, cough) too young to remember it, here's the lyrics.  You'd better grab a Kleenex.  Really, go ahead and get one...

Somewhere out there,
Beneath the pale blue night,
Someone's thinking of me,
And loving me tonight.
Somewhere out there,
Someone's saying a prayer,
Then we'll find one another,
In that big somewhere out there.

(Chorus 1)
And even though I know how very far apart we are,
It helps to think we might be wishing
On the same bright star,
And when the night will start to sing
A lonesome lullaby,
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the
Same big sky.

(Chorus 2)
Somewhere out there,
If love can see us through,
Then, we'll be together,
Somewhere out there, out where dreams, come true.

Well, I hope you're happy now!  I got all snotty and teary eyed just thinking about my boys.  They may not know or remember that we're out there, but we never forget them, even for one second.  I watch them laugh and smile on the video and my heart aches to hold them.  I see my beautiful nephew Ethan, I hold him and think about how little he is and how much he loves his Mommy and Daddy.  I think about how important and life-affirming that unconditional love is, and how that's all Ethan has ever known.... and how my boys haven't.  None of them.

Jackson knows we love him, at least I'm pretty sure he does (rotten child!).  But it took him a while to believe he deserved it.  I know it's going to take these little guys a while to believe that they deserve it as well.  And just when they're starting to believe... that's when it gets hard.  They all want to be loved, they NEED to be loved.  But so many of their life circumstances have shown them they're not worth it.  Jack was pretty easy until he'd been home for six months or so.  Then he really started to care about us and to believe we cared about him.  And he fought it... hard.  For a couple of weeks I got slapped, smacked and pinched.  I held him and rocked him and told him I loved him, no matter what.  Then one day... the very bad, horrible, no good day... he cried for almost an hour.  We rocked and rocked and rocked some more.  Then he stopped.  He feel asleep in my arms and when he woke up, it was over.  He looked at me, patted my face and said "Mama."  He finally started buying into the idea that our family was forever.

It kills me to hear his uncertainty now.  One day last week he was having a hard day and I asked him what was making him sad.  He replied, "Mommy, if Cooper and Carter love you it means that I can't love you anymore."  I asked him if he was afraid that I wouldn't love him anymore and he burst into tears.  "Yeah." was all he could say.  My poor, poor baby.  We've redoubled our efforts to ensure he understands that families are forever and NO ONE gets thrown away.  We've talked about how Mommies have room in their hearts for a hundred million babies and how I only have three.  He's getting more relaxed, and starting to talk a bit more freely and casually about his brothers.  When he sees a photo of them, he gets excited.  When he does something cool, or learns something new in school he can't wait to show them.  It's getting better, day by day.

So, here's "The Plan".  It must be capitalized, because... well, it must.  We were originally going to take Jackson on Trip Two, bop home and return to get the boys alone.  We've been given the gift of a little extra vacation time, so we've decided to make it a one trip deal.  We're going to go to Moscow, bring Jackson and stay until we can pick them up.  The two week wait will be spent with our oldest son. Loving him, enjoying his birth country and filling his little heart with a last bit of only child time.  We're planning on visiting our newest babies at least twice after court, more if we can afford it.  It will give Jackson more time to get to know them, and give them more time to know our family.  When we pick them up, hopefully it won't be such a huge shock.  

You may be right... we may be crazy (quick, name the artist and song title).  But we might as well get used to being a family of five.  And I really, really want my oldest son there from the beginning.